Pellets from the Universe

My husband and I went to this coffee farm, where I had a macadamia nut milk latte, and I said to my husband, “Macadamia sounds like Matt Damon.”

And he loudly by accident said, “How’s your Matt Damon nut milk?”

ME: hang on I took a nap and my husband said I yelled in my sleep, “I’m tired, BITCH!”

Like someone was trying to wake me up in my dream. LMAO!

I’m laying on my belly at the beach and a bird just landed on my butt!

LMAO I had to shake it off me!

My husband and I were watching the movie I Know What You Did Last Summer, and there was this guy in it and first he gets beat up by some jock because the jock thinks he’s sending him death threats (he’s not), and then the real killer kills the guy with an ice pick in the head and there was a lull of silence in the movie after he’s killed and my husband goes:

“That guy had a very confusing day.”

BFF: What do I smell like?

ME: animal crackers and old breast milk.

BFF: LOL!!!

ME: Just kidding, you don’t really smell like animal crackers and old breast milk.

It’s more like flannel?

🎵 Let’s have some laughs, this beat is fun,

I wanna take a ride on your pokemon 🎵

It’s election time.

I feel like FUCK we gotta VOTE? Again??

We just did this shit!

It’s gonna be a tough choice though.

Between a party that’s bringing authoritarianism and the other party that’s doing nothing about it.

Tough decisions all around.

They both deserve power so much.

How will I choose?

Quick, what’s the price of an egg?!

I’ve been getting an insane number of texts for politicians campaigning for the election. I don’t know how they’re getting my number.

It’s always either a democrat or a crazy ass independent too.

They’re always like, “I’m just like you. I believe in protecting our children. Ensuring our streets are safe. And I KNOW there’s lead in the milk because aliens put it in there. VOTE FOR ME!!!!!!@ “

I don’t blame the internet for society’s ills.

I blame social media.

I don’t even blame the teens. I blame Twitter.

Facebook and Twitter turned everybody into zombies. Slaves to a phone.

Now nobody can read and a shitty toupee is the president.

If it hadn’t been for social media we’d have a president with good hair.

RIP sexy presidents.

JFK… Obama…

I guess that’s it.

Will Obama be our last sexy president?

I don’t wanna live in a world where Obama was the last sexy president!

Honest to God, Obama’s so charming, I would sign up for any cause or scheme he was running.

Even if it was to set all the forests on FIRE.

I don’t give a shit what his policies are.

Couldn’t care less.

Just give me a hunk to look at!

👏 BURN 👏 DOWN 👏 THE 👏 FOREST 👏 OBAMA 2028

👏 MORE 👏 STREET 👏 DRUGS 👏 TRUMP 2028